100 Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort
by TearsOfARose
Summary: Voldemort hears of a prophesy when a young witch girl ends up with him, he is stuck taking care of her. Will she get in the way of his plans to take over the world?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Before anyone makes a comment about this I want it to be known that I did not write this! I received it in an email and just had to write a story including each on of these.

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'

2. Laugh at him.

3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'

4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.

5. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'

6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.

8. Dance the Funky Chicken.

9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.

10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.

13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'

14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'

15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.

16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.

17. Be cheerful.

18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'

19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.

20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'

21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'

22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'

23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.

24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...

26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?

27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'

29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.

32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.

33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'

34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'

36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'

37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.

38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!

39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

40. Buy him a stress ball.

41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

42. Call him Tommy-boy.

43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.

44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.

45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'

46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

47. Endeavor to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.

48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.

49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'

51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'

52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.

53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party.

54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.

55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.

56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.'

57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.

58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.

59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.

60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'

61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.

62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London...

63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.

64. Tell him you've met plenty of people more evil than he.

65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.

66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.

67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

68. Tell him Lucius did it.

69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.

70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'

73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'

74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'

76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'

77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.'

80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.

82. Cuddle him at random moments.

83. Be Harry Potter. Be Alive.

84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.

85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.

86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'

87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.

88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.

90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.

Words: Potter Puppet Pals.

92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.

93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'

95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.'

96. Mock his baldness.

97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')

98. Get him drunk.

99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'

100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.


	2. Chapter 2

When I Look to the Sky

Train

A/N: just a intro into the story, I swear it'll get funny :) enjoy

I looked up to the huge door after walking through a brass gate, I took a deep breath, 'Remember,' I thought to myself, 'you need to stay happy.'

My mum had recently passed away and now I sent to live with my "dad" she didn't tell me his name or anything about him only his address. I took one of the huge knockers and let the sound vibrate the old, dark house.

A man in a dark cape with a mask over it answered the door, I knew this man. Every wizard knew him, this was a death eater, fear took ahold of my body, but I would not deny my mum's last wish.

"I am here for my father." I stated and he began to lead me in, I knew without being told that it was The Dark Lord himself who was my dad.

"Who are you?" He asked, his slit eyes raging and his snake like nose matching that of the snake which was at his side.

"I am your daughter, Glinda sent me here as her dying wish." I spoke putting as much strength as I could muster into my voice, I noticed the anger be replaced with sadness.

"Glinda had a child?" He asked after sending the death eaters away, "Why did she never inform me?"

Refusing to let fear consume me I spoke, "She didn't want me to know that my father was the man who instilled fear into every heart." I stared him down, "But she wants me to live here now that I am sixteen." As I finished one more thought burst into my mind, "I know that you wont kill me, there is a prophecy that I will help you take down Harry."

That was the day I was allowed into the death eater home and taken in by the one and only Lord Voldemort, he told me I could not go to Hogwarts, I put on a happy face and attempted to adjust to my new situation.

"This is for you mom." I mumbled.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you SO much to everyone that has read and reviewed, even if you didn't review :) thank you for the favorites and followers! I really do appreciate it and so here is a new chapter. These might be a little slow, just warning you because school is getting SOOO stressful, but right now I need a break ;)

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'

One week, that was the time I had spent there so far and I was beginning to feel at home. I couldn't help but smile, the irony! I felt at home at Lord Voldemort's home. A laugh erupted through my body as a blonde haired boy walked in, "What's so funny?" He asked in complete confusion which forced me to laugh harder.

Once the giggles died away a smile stayed on my face, "Who are you?" Giggles slipped through each word and some of the letters, but the sentence still managed to make its way out.

"I am Draco Malfoy." He said proudly, "I am going to be the best Death Eater there is." I decided at that moment to be a nuisance to this society of slaves my father had managed to collect.

"Well then you better be extremely nice to me," I smirked, "one word to Daddy and you are doomed." I put on a thoughtful face for a while, "Where is my daddy anyways? I want to speak with him." In the beginning of my time spent in this manor I had worn only muggle clothing, Dad hated it, but there was nothing he could really do about it.

"I'll tell you once you change those clothes." Draco challenged, I couldn't help but admire that he stood up to me even though I could destroy him with a few words. That or he was just a spoiled brat, I decided to go with brat.

"Nah, I'll just tell him that you wouldn't let me see him." I began to wander out of the room, I had no idea where to go, but I also knew for a fact that Draco would come after me.

Just as I suspected he ran after me and began to lead the way, "So, are you going to Hogwarts with me?" He asked, I guess I could use a friend in this dark place and I would take whatever I could get.

The conversation shockingly began to flow between us, until I reached my dad. I gave him a huge hug, which he hated, "Hi, Daddy!" I exclaimed and then stared straight at his forehead, "Why don't you have a cool scar like Harry?" I saw his fury began to boil and I forced a chuckle down, "You could get it tattooed, then you guys could be twins!" I let out a huge squeal.

Drace dragged me away before something truly horrible happened, "Why did you do that?" He yelled when we were far out of earshot.

"Well why doesn't he?" I shrugged, "I think it's lame that he doesn't have one." I put on a thoughtful face, "I know! I will give him one! Just like he did, do you want to sacrifice yourself so that the scar appears?"

Draco began to laugh, "I think you are going to brighten up this place." He said before leaving.

Do I take that as a compliment?

A/N: Yeah, short :( but this is only the first one! The others will hopefully be ALOT longer :D


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hello beautiful readers! So I figured I should just warn you, but this story isn't going where I want it to. It's can be SO much better and that's because recently things have been happening that are just really bad so I have no funny in me :( I'm going to be putting up other stories still, but they wont be comedies. I hope that you will check the others out soon and I will finish Secrets VERY soon. I apologize for the delay, but once all this is sorted out I will hit you with a REALLY great chapter, I promise. Thank you for EVERYONE who has read this and encouraged me, I truly appreciate it.


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